


Pesterstuck: Act 1

by curiousDeviator



Series: Pesterstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Experimental, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-01 08:35:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10918209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiousDeviator/pseuds/curiousDeviator
Summary: In short, an attempt to rewrite the pesterlogs as if they were made in video chat.





	1. John: Open Message

John: Open Voice Chat. ===>

You pull on your headset, rolling your eyes at Dave’s impatient messages. You’re glad you got this audio system update installed. So much faster. You start a video call with turtechGodhead.

Dave’s Texas accent is made no more understandable with the static. He gets right to the point, as usual. “Hey, so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today?” 

You grin and tell him what you were thinking about his accent. He grumbles, but before he can launch into one of his tangents you cut him off saying, “I got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. I'm going to watch it again today, the apple juice scene was so funny.”

Dave’s eyebrows go up, a rare break in his stoic attitude. “Oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet.” He pauses, wiping an imaginary tear from under his shades. Though it could just be a pause for dramatic effect, the fucker. “It is like fucking christmas up in here.”

“Ok that’s fine,” you say as you roll your eyes, waving your hand in the air. You hold up one finger, wagging it in the air. “But I just have one question, and then a word of caution. Have you ever seen a movie called Little Monsters starring Howie Mandel and Fred Savage?”

He blanches, turning even paler than his usual never-go-outside pallor. “But.” You waggle your eyebrows up and down. He continues, saying, “The seal on the bottle is unbroken. are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory”

You shrug, swishing your arms through the air like the magician you wish you were. “All I’m saying is, don't you think monster Howie Mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle?” And, time to tease him a little. “Try using your brain, numbnuts.” 

Dave’s mouth curls up in a tiny smirk. “Why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like? I mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous.” Good point. But you’ve got a response to that one.

You put your knuckles on the table, just like a Serious Businessperson that your dad always talks about. You lean really close to the mic and say, “it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice.”

A pause. Dave seems to be fighting a laugh. You smile. That’s a victory, noted down! “ok I can accept that,” he says eventually. “Monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters.” His eyebrows furrow. Getting off topic again, you can tell. Here we go. “Also... Fred Savage has a really punchable face…”

You don’t respond, instead just deigning to facepalm. Twice. Dave doesn’t notice, still lost in thought about, of all things, Fred Savage’s punchable face. After a few moments of silence he speaks.

“But who cares about this lets stop talking about it.” Said and done. “did you get the beta yet?”

“No,” you say, although your voice is muffled by your two palms. “Did you?”

He smirks. Gloating. “Man, I got two copies already.” He rolls his eyes, though you couldn’t tell beneath his shades.”But I don’t care, I’m not going to play it or anything. The game sounds boring. Did you see how it got slammed in Game Bro?”

You don’t follow that magazine seriously. Neither does Dave. Neither, probably, do the people who write it.  You prop your chin up with your hands, elbows on the desk. “Game Bro is a joke and we both know it.”

Dave smiles, then looks at his watch. “Yeah. Why don’t you go check your mail. Maybe it’s there now.”

“Alright.” You say, reaching for the mouse to shut the call off. You and Dave virtually fistbump, and the screen goes dark.

 


	2. John: Answer Best Bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter here we go! Let's fuckin do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conversation from this page: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=001935

Your best bro’s face flickers on screen. “Is it there? Please say yes. Maybe you can play with TT she’s been pestering me all day about it.”

You respond in your usual way, but find that your bro doesn’t respond. You frown and fiddle with the audio settings.

“She’s mackin on me so hard all the time, I start to feel embarrassed _for_ her.” Dave pauses, barely registering your lack of comment. “I mean, not that I can blame her or anything.”

You grin triumphantly, setting the last setting to the right place. Before he can continue on his tangent you respond. “Yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. I am attracted to you.”

“Thank you.” Completely deadpan. Damn, how hard is it to catch this dude off guard.

You cross your eyes and stick out your tongue at him. “Jk haha.” Dave snickers a little. Quickly, you change the subject. Gotta be fast when talking with the self proclaimed ‘master of words’ himself. “No, I don't have it yet. My dad has the mail and I guess I have to go get it from him and see if it's there.” You frown. “And i've been busy spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex. It's so _frustrating_.” You’re getting frustrated just thinking about it.

Dave doesn’t react. He says, “what’s your modus?”

You look up, “what?”

Dave makes a _boi_ motion with his hands. “How do you retrieve artifacts from it?”

“Oh.” You think for a moment, while Dave taps his watch. “Like... One at a time I guess. And if I put too much in, something falls out.”

Your bro bursts out laughing, a fit of snorts and giggles that’s rare enough on its own. You’re not sure you appreciate it being directed at you. “Stack?”

In a desperate attempt to retaliate in any way you sputter, “What is yours?”

“Hash map. My bro taught me a few tricks, He basically knows everything and is awesome.” You make a _wrap it up_ gesture, which he snickers at. Gee, bro just seems like _the cooles_ t dude. You kinda wish your dad was like that.

“What the hell is that?”

He tells you you should know. You flip him off and he grins. “You should probably brush up on your data structures.”

“I guess,” you grumble. You’re sure you had a book on those somewhere around here.

Next topic. I swear he’s almost as scattered as- as. You can’t think of an adequate comparison at the moment, too flustered. “Did you at least allocate your strife specibus?” He says.

“No…”

“it could free up a card for you, plus let you attack stuff whenever things get too hot to handle.” He pauses, eyeing the slice of cake on your desk. “Which is never.” Dave rubs his hands together, looking like a mad scientist or one of those stereotypical villains that are just _so funny_. “What have you got?”

“Well, I’ve got a hammer.” Dave nods, about to tell you- “Buuuuuut, it’s trapped under some arms.” Your bro’s mouth closes with a snap.

“Wow you really suck at this don’t you.” An angry blush rises to your face and you open your mouth to respond. “Just get rid of the arms and then allocate the hammer to the specibus.” Damn Striders and their fast talking.

“How?”

“I don’t know just use the arms on any old thing and see if it works.” Dave offers his fist for a fistbump. You exchange goodbyes, and spin off in your chair. The screen goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BONUS:  
> You spin around in your chair to see Dave’s freckled face smirking at you. You scoot up to your mic and say, “Ok, i did it,” holding up the strife specibus card. Dave squints at it and sits back in his chair.  
> “Hammerkind?”  
> “Yeah.”   
> “Ok. That will be the permanent allocation for your specibus.” He scratches his head. “I guess I should have mentioned that.”  
> Your mouth hangs open. “Uh.”  
> “Hope you like hammers dude!”  
> You shake your head, smiling. “Yeah, that's fine I guess. I can't imagine it's going to be all that relevant.”


	3. John: Answer Chums

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First contact with Rose and Jade!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess I gotta update those tags now eh?

Looks like another of your friends is trying to connect with you. You drop the pipe out of your mouth, spitting tobacco residue into a tissue and accept the call.

Rose’s face appears on screen, her various interests scattered about the room behind her. She’s got her trademark smirk on her face. A lot like Dave’s. Never really thought about how similar they were. You’re sure it’s just a coincidence. “I understand you have recently come into possession of the beta release of ‘The Game of the Year’, as featured in respectable periodicals such as GameBro Magazine.” Good god how does she speak so fast. And without even looking at who she’s talking to!

“That's an ugly rumor, whoever told you that is a filthy liar.” You pause. “And, you should probably stop hitting on him all the time or whatever.” You blush. Such a weird subject, why the hell did you even bring it u-

“I can't control myself.” Rose brushes a stray lock of hair back behind her headband. “I must have a weakness for insufferable pricks.”

You both have a good laugh over this, you snorting and her chuckling under her breath. You take a deep breath, trying to calm yourself and say, “Anyway i still haven't checked the mail. My dad has it. I'm trying to go get it from him, so brb.” You start waving as you reach towards the ‘disconnect’ button.

“John.”

“What?”

“You're wearing one of your disguises now, aren't you?” She caught you. “You are talking to me right now while wearing something ridiculous.”

“No, why would you even think that?? That's so stupid.” You fix your wizard hat, nearly sneezing as the beagle puss tickles your nose.

Rose smiles and says, “Ok. Why don't you go get the game from your father?”

“Alright, wish me luck.” You reach for the disconnect button again, finger hovering right over it. “Oh, btw… Jk I was wearing a funny disguise this whole time. Gotcha!” You laugh, and press the button. 

Pesterchum lags for a second, just enough time for you to see Rose look up and say, “I know, John.”

Later, after an escapade involving a package, some smoke pellets and copious amounts of frosting, you finally sit back down in your chair. Time to check how- You’ve got a message.

 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] has left a voice message for ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:34 -- 

Jade’s voice crackles over the audio system, with a bubbly laugh. “Hi! Happy birthday John!” she stops for about a minute, seemingly waiting for your response. “Helloooooo?” After another minute of silence, Jade snorts. She must have noticed the little message telling her she was talking to no one. “Ok, I will talk to you later!” Another few moments, a dog bark and the audio cuts back out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rose convo: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=001963
> 
> Jade convo: http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002010


	4. Rose and John: Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Rose are beginning the 'enter' process. The shenanigans that we remember all too well? Here they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002035  
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002041  
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002044

Rose is pinging you for a message. You accept it and watch as it loads next to the ‘beta’ window. She’s knitting, but looks up when you say hello. “It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent.” She slides up to her computer, focusing on some point to the left of your face. “I'm going to try to connect.”

Gee, she looks so serious. Maybe you’ll try and change the subject? “Whoa ok, but I just got the most awesome present.”

She looks up from her furious typing. “The rabbit?”

“SO SWEET.” You grin, big and bucktoothed. A smile tugs at the corner of Rose’s face. “I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology by now.” 

You laugh but, “ha ha, what?”

Rose shakes her head and refocuses on her typing. “Why don't we focus on the matter at hand?” 

Well, you tried. “Oh the game, ok.”  You stare at the beta window, just a black screen with white text. “I don't really know how this works. What am I even looking at here?” You send a screencap to Rose. 

She surveys it, if the half second of a glance counted as surveying. “You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.”

“Oh, ok then.”

A bluish glow lights up Rose’s face from her screen.  “Why don't we get started?”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You’ve just gotten used to the fact that Rose is able to mess with your surround- there goes… some star painted object. You scurry back to your computer to figure out what the heck is going on.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” Rose’s eyebrows are furrowed as she fiddles with her mouse and keyboard, tapping and sliding. She barely looks up when you ask.

“Sorry. I'm just getting a feel for the controls.”

You think for a second. What in your room is star cover- oh no she didn’t. “... Is my magic chest on the roof now?”

She looks up at you, weighing her options. After an awkward moment she finally responds.  “Yes.” 

You frown at her. She looks back at the server window. “I will try to be more careful next time.” With a roll of your eyes you concede. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After watching your dad pull out of the driveway again, certainly in search of more baked goods you return to your computer and pull on your headset.

“Hey, do you think you could do me a favor?” Rose nods, making a  _ go on  _ motion with her hand. “Can you grab all that stuff outside my broken window and bring it in for me?”

“I’ll give it a shot.” Rose hunches over her computer screen in deep concentration. You twiddle your thumbs, and- “No luck. t appears to be out of range. I'm guessing it is too far away from you, the ‘player’.”

You frown, telling her it was worth a shot. She shrugs and goes back to messing with your house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for over 100 hits! I love you guys, thanks for reading this little pet project of mine.


	5. John: Investigate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John wonders exactly what sort of game this is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002053   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002054   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002057

While you explore the new addition to your house, Rose continues to talk over your headset. “It seems expanding the dimensions of your room cost us some ‘Build Grist’. But deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense. It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.”

You jump up and down on the far corner of the addition, reassuring yourself of its stability. Rose seems to be waiting for a response. “Wow, ok.” You oblige her with the question you know she wants you to ask. “What do they do?”

“I think it's up to you to find out. All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around, apparently.” Rose demonstrates, rearranging your furniture with loud screeches.

Maybe you could do the same? Like superpowers! “How do i move stuff around? It sounds fun!” This game is freaky.

“I don't think you can as the client. You will need to install the server application. You should have received both in separate envelopes. I am running both on my computer right now.”  What?” Separate… Envelopes?

“Did you get another envelope in the mail?”

“No!” You don’t think you did. But you must have! It’s nagging at the back of your mind, you know you saw another envelope somewhere. 

“Once you install the server and establish a connection, I'm sure you will be able to manipulate my environment in the same manner.” Rose pauses in her renovations, resting her chin on her hands. “Are you sure you didn't get it?”

Shit. You know where you saw it. “Oh man. I think I might know where it is.”

YOU ENGAGE IN A POINTLESS FLASHBACK. ROSE WATCHES YOU SPACE OUT AMUSEDLY. THE PACKAGE, PROBABLY FROM JADE JUST HAPPENS TO BE SITTING IN YOUR FATHER’S CAR. YES, THE CAR THAT HAD JUST PULLED OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY A FEW MINUTES AGO.

Rose seems tired of watching you stare into nothing for the purpose of the viewer’s exposition. She speaks up saying, “Now that your room is bigger, why don't you move to the far corner? It will extend the range of the cursor, and I can reach the items. Which... you threw out the window for some reason?” 

“Good idea.” You shake your head to clear it, and shuffle back over to the new corner. It smells weird. Kind of like… blue gushers? You stand there like a fool for a few moments.

Rose, bless her yarn cozied heart, picks up the ball. Filler conversation is better than no conversation. “What have you been doing in here all afternoon, anyway?”

You groan, remembering. “Ugh, I was fussing with my dumb sylladex.” Rose gives a head nod of agreement. Probably on the fact that your sylladex is stupid. That makes three that think that. “But I  _ think _ I have it under control now. What modus do you use?”

“I like to use trees.” 

Your mind flashes immediately to the gnarled branches that you know. If the data structure for that works anything like the real thing, “Oh no, that sounds so awkward.” 

“It’s not… Exceptionally practical, but I think they are elegant” She goes back to concentrating on her screen. 

A few devices of unknown purpose appear in your house. You begin to ask Rose what they are but are cut off by the violent shaking of your house.

“Why is the floor shaking?” An appropriate question. “Are you dropping more stuff in my house?” A stunning degree of deduction. Congratulations.

“Yes. Two more large gizmos.” 

“Sweet!” At least you think it is. This whole game is sweet, at least better so far than Game Bro gave it credit for. “What is with all these big contraptions?”

Rose takes a moment to respond, seemingly lost in her own little world. She finally registers your question and responds, “If I had to guess, they appear to facilitate a sort of system involving punch card-based alchemy.”

“Huh.” What on earth is that. “To what end?” You figure she’ll explain it to you eventually. “I mean what are we supposed to be doing in this game?” It has been kind of pointless. You fidget while Rose fiddles some more with the controls. 

She seems tired of the small talk you’ve been making and sighs. “That remains to be seen. Maybe you should go investigate?”

And thus, you do, stretching and blinking tired eyes.

**JOHN: INVESTIGATE === >**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to try and make the different pesterlogs run together smoothly. Of course, once we get to those WALLS OF TEXT that exist in later acts I won't be needing that will I?


	6. John: Figure out what's going on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Rose talk and then he and Jade do. Shenanigans and a possible explosion ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002060   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002063   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002064   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002065

You finish setting up Pesterchum on the PDA, logging into your account after a few failed attempts. The video call transfers immediately to your new device. “Hey, i'm out on the balcony now.” Rose glances upwards at the sky and comments that she wasn’t aware that you had no roof on your bedroom. You smile and reply, “I am messaging from my dad's pda.” 

“The one you threw into the yard?” Rose says drily. You wave your arms around in indignation.

“No, i am telling you.  It jumped out of my sylladex like a frightened weasel.” You say that it simply flipped the fuck out in a way that you think cannot be described in words. You would have preferred a gif on a website with a caption perhaps.

“What were you doing with it in the first place?  I am not sensing a lot of regard for the personal property of others. Is this how your pent-up frustration with your father manifests itself?” Rose taps her chin and pulls out a notebook. She makes a few notes, the pen scratching against the lined paper.

You sputter. “What? No! Those were all accidents. Please take your psycho-babblery elsewhere, miss!” 

Rose rolls her eyes, putting down the notebook. She scrolls a bit on her computer. “Your bathroom is a mess. Did you do that too?”

You groan. The cake in the toilet. Right. “Oh man, see, this isn't cool. All this snooping nonsense!”

“There's a cake in the toilet.”

Way to state the obvious, Lalonde. You stare straight at her and say, “Yes. there is.”

Rose goes on without appearing to register your comment. “I'm tempted to clean it up for you.”

It’s time to concede. She’ll do it whatever you say so might as well, “Ok, if that will satisfy your weird ocd complex then go ahead.”

“My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder complex? Can a disorder also be a complex?” Shit. She called you out.

You scramble for an answer. “In your case, probably!

“Sounds complicated.” Mercifully, she decides to drop it. 

Narrowing your eyes, you change the subject. “Anyway... I am going to have a look at this enormous platformy thing you put on the balcony. You make your way towards the said object when all of a sudden,

A LOUD CRASHING NOISE HOLY SHIT WHAT WAS THAT. Your head whips around as you search for the source. Nothing, as far as you can see. After the initial shaking, you hear Rose quietly mutter.

“Whoops.”

“Whoops what? What was that noise?” You fidget a little more, running your hands through your hair nervously. “Is this something i should go investigate? Who knows what freaky shit could happen in a game like this?

Rose shakes her head violently. “No, I have it under control. You can keep playing with your telescope.”

You frown and scurry your way towards the source of the sound. Rose told you not to go but if your house is falling apart you deserve to kn-

Is that a hole in your bathroom floor?

“Augh!”

“I think I can patch it up. Just give me a little space.” The cursor waves in front of your face. Do you have to abjure it again? “Why don't you go have a look at the Cruxtruder?”

You glance nervously again at the hole. “The what?”

“The thing I put in your living room.”

You tell her ok and smile nervously at her. You hope she doesn’t rip any more holes in your house, your dad will already be furious at the last one.

You start to walk back to the living room when your PDA lights up with another message. 

**gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:25!**

You look back at Rose. She doesn’t look like she’d mind if you held the call. And so you do, watching Jade’s smiling face appear on the screen instead.

“John did you get my package?” As soon as you see her she launches into conversation. Here we go.

“Oh hey!” Jade looks like she’s waiting for a response, oh! That’s right.  “No, not yet.” 

“Darn! Are you sure? It was in a green box…” You think back, oh. Oh nooooooo.

“Oh!” You facepalm. “Yes, but it is in my dad's car and he is still out at the store.” You look at your watch. “He should be back soon.”

Jade smiles and giggles. “Great! So what are you up to today?”

Oh man, had you been up to stuff today. “I am up to my neck in this SBURB stuff. TT is making a royal mess of my house.”

Jade laughs out loud, a fit of snorts and giggles that makes you smile. After she’s calmed down, she asks, “What’s SBURB?”

“Oh, it is this game.” Forgot she wasn’t in the loop. It's ok I guess. I'm still figuring it out.”

All of a sudden static fills the screen. You poke at the buttons, maybe it was at your end? Jade reappears on the screen, though at an angle.  “Whoa what was that?”

“What was what?” Jade frowns and asks if anything happened on your end. You reply that nothing had happened, and she frowned more. 

“There was a loud noise outside my house! It sounded like an explosion!

“Wow, really?” Honestly, you wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Freaky shit happens on her island, so this would be nothing new.

“I will go outside and look....”

“Oh man, alright but be careful, ok?” She’s fearless. You wonder how she does it. She sticks out her tongue at you, and tells you that you worry too much. You repeat what you said before.

“I will!” She grins and reaches for some point behind the camera, waving with her other hand.   
Blip. Goodbye. You reconnect with Rose by default.


	7. John: Investigate Cruxtruder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002070   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002074

You walk down to the first floor, fiddling with the controls on the PDA. You look up. “Oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?” It’s a. Thing. Blocking any means of exit.

“There's a door there?”

“Um, yeah?” You angle the camera to catch both you and the door. Rose makes a small sound that sounds like  _ oh. _

“I didn't see it. I just thought it fit nicely into that groove.”

“You mean you thought it was elegant?” Rose gives a grumble of admission. “Ok well what do I do with this thing.” You look back at Rose. Her attention is occupied… otherwise. “Hello? What are you doing up there now?”

“Oh fuck.” Another loud crashing sound, much like the one that the ripping of your toilet out of the ground had made. 

You groan again and facepalm, dragging your hands up and down your face. A third loud crashing sound interrupts you. Look up the stairs. That’s. Your bathtub. You swap the camera on your PDA and show Rose what’s blocking your way back to your room.

“You can see me, right. Tell me what is wrong with this picture.” You step into the bathtub. 

“Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal. Must be the weather.” A loud boom of thunder in the background agrees. “I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother. I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.”

“Haha, yeah I hear you.”

“Yes. Cake, jesters, unfaltering love and support. Quite a road to hoe there.” You shudder at the mention of jesters. “Though…” Rose taps her chin. “I suppose I'm complicit for not informing Social Services about your situation.”

“I know!” You roll your eyes. You’d been doing that a lot recently. You wonder why. “What about going outside? Maybe you could catch a neighbor's signal.”

“That presents the same problem.” Oh. Right. “Also, it's raining, remember? And dark.” 

“It's dark already?” Where you are it’s nowhere near dark. The sun still hangs a good way above the horizon. 

“Yes, the sun has already had its way with us here on the east coast. Its lurid glare has moved on to younger timezones.”

Um, what. “Haha, um, ok.” Your eyes slide back to the weird thing blocking the door. There’s a lid on it, which you try and open, setting your phone so Rose could see what was happening. Nothing. You pry at the lid, twisting and pulling and. Nothing. You step back for a second to think. You think you know what to do.

You walk back to the cruxtruder, dragging the sledge hammer beside you. Gotta smash the lid open or something? You heft the hammer. Or. You try to heft the hammer. And fail. Rose chuckles, watching your efforts from the safety of her own home.

“Need some help?”


	8. John: Look at Seizure Kernel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The countdown begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002080  
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002084  
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002078  
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002087

The seizure kernel approaches, bumping up against your leg affectionately. You brush it off. “What is this thing? And what is that clock counting down to?”

“I've been looking at the GameFAQ walkthroughs to figure some of this stuff out. Hold while I read further.” Rose refocuses on another point on her screen.

“Ok.” She mutes her audio. 

After a few minutes of waiting she unmutes. “All of these walkthroughs are extremely short. None progress much further than this point.”

“Weird. Well, i mean it is a new game.” 

“True.” She doesn’t look convinced, though she voices her assent. Now that the lid is off, you will need to extrude some ‘Cruxite’.” 

You head back to the cruxtruder, watching Rose’s eyes follow you across her screen. After a few moments of trying to turn the wheel she says, “I feel like we should be hurrying. That countdown is making me nervous.”

You extrude some cruxite, whatever the hell that is. You captchalogue it without thinking an- whoops. “John? Oh. Your headset is trapped under the cruxite now, isn't it.” Lucky you can still hear her. “Anyway, it looks like you are going to need this card too.” 

A captchalogue card floats down and settles on the floor. It appears to have holes in it. Curious. The blue ball, still flashing random colors, bumps against your leg urgently. You frown at it and brush it away again, your finger slipping on the captchalogue button. Well. So much for  _ that  _ fanciful harlequin. The good news is that you can use your headset again, which you slip on quickly before you make another stupid mistake like that one.

“This thing keeps following me around. I think it's trying to talk to me or something.” The thing in question makes a little buzzing sound. 

“That is probably the ‘Kernelsprite’. It apparently needs to be ‘prototyped’.” She makes air quotes around the two new words, looking past you to a game FAQ. Probably. She pauses for a moment and says, “Twice. Actually. Whatever the hell that means.” Rose scrolls furiously down a webpage, scowling at the results. “These walkthroughs are horrendously written.”

“Hmm.” None of that made any sense. But what can you do? It’s not like the whole world is going to end or anything. “Ok. Well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do!” On second thought, “Also, fix my bathroom.”

One mishap and a harlequin theme song later, you pull on your headset again. “I still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook.”

“That was only ‘Tier One Prototyping’.” Air quotes again. “There is still another tier to the prototyping process.Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics.” You hope not. What’s the point of the sprite in the first place?

You look worriedly back to the cruxtruder. “The clock is ticking. We don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery.”

Rose smiles and adds on. “This unmitigated poppycock?”

You grin even wider and say, “Extravagant Hogwash!” Rose opens her mouth to respond but you hold up a hand. “Ok stop. Stop thinking about whatever silly thing you’re going to say.” She laughs and shakes her head. “I’m going upstairs. To the big… platformy thing.” 

“The alchemiter?” You make a weird face at her. “Try and learn the lingo.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOO boy here's to a week of fun!  
> I'm probably going to be updating at a slower pace for the next few days, finals have arrived and I gotta get my sorry homestuck ass in gear. Thanks again to everyone who's read this so far, I'm open to suggestions at any time.
> 
> EDIT: GUESS WHAT I JUST REALIZED! Next chapter is the last one in Act 1, so that means that this work is wrapping up! I plan to start Act 2 by next week, this next chapter will hopefully be up by that time as well. Thanks for reading, everyone!


	9. John: Try not to Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ending Act One.   
> With a meteor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002100   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002104   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002111   
> http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=002140

Rose’s voice is audible from your headset which you. You buried it under something else again. Foiled once again by your stupid sylladex. “Your dad is getting home. John? What did you do with your headset this time?” She  _ knows _ . “I'm working on the bathroom. But we are running low on Build Grist.”

You’ve got bigger problems. Pull on a backup headset and, “Oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!” Fumbling with the camera, you flip it around and zoom in on the orange speck of fire in the distance.

Rose seems completely unsurprised. “I see.”  _ Ha. Great time to be making jokes, thanks Rose. _ “Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game?”

You tap your toe impatiently, eyeing the rapidly growing fireball. “I don't know, maybe! What do I do!”

“I think it's very likely.” It’s as if she didn’t hear you. You should be used to it by now, but heck, if you’re not allowed to get a little ticked off by your  **IMPENDING DOOM.** “The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end. The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous. As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm.” Good gog, she’s actually psychoanalyzing the walkthroughs. “Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable.”

GREAT. “Wow, FASCINATING.”

Rose finally seems to note your response, shrugging in unamusement. “If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms.”

You make a sound of frustration. Like she’s explained anything so far to you. “Try using the lathe.” she says. “It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that.”

“Ok!” You throw your hands in the air. “I'll do that.” You stride towards the ‘Totem Lathe’ or whatever it's called and shove the punched card in. While it's processing it, Rose talks on.

“Really, it is a labor to read this drivel. If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar. While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair. I think I will write my own walkthrough. The shunt pops open, revealing the carved totem. Both you and Rose eye the countdown. “That is, after we make sure you don't die.” 

**\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 --**

Ffffuck, he’s so pushy. You sigh and push the connect button, leaving your PDA on the desk while you scurry around some more.

“I heard you got the box I hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you” You grumble, trying to not laugh. You should be worried out of your mind. “In my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way. Also I hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you. Its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon” 

He finally looks on his screen. “Hey where are you?”

You youth roll back over to the screen. “Oh man, the bunny was awesome, but I don't have time to talk, I'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare. TT is breaking everything in my house.”

Dave groans. “Dude.” He makes a  _ boi  _ motion with one of his hands. “I told you to steer clear of that game. And for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horseshit altogether.” 

You. Honestly don’t have time for this. They can bicker like brother and sister through you when you’re  _ not _ about to die. “And now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that! It's like a big asteroid or comet or something. In the sky.” You feel the need to clarify. “Heading right for my house!” 

“Oh man. How big is it?” That’s actually. A good question.

“I dunno.” It’s true. You don’t. “Big, I guess.” The countdown makes a warning beep. You glance over to it. Shit. You gotta get going. “I gotta go! We’ll talk later. If I’m still alive. And the Earth isn’t blown up.” You recaptcha the PDA, making sure to mute yourself.

Dave continues his rambles. Classic Dave. “Like the size of Texas? Or just Rhode Island. They’re always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale. Like it really means anything to us.

“But it's like it doesn't matter it's always just like: WOW THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING BIG. Like mr president there's a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? it's the size of texas sir. OH SHIT” You know he’s going to keep going for a while.

“Or, or, how big is it? it's the size of New York City sir. OH SHIT.” You wince. That was even louder than last time. Last comparison is going to be about someone’s dick you just know it. “SIR? I am afraid the comet is the size of your mom’s dick.” You were right. “OH SNAP.

“Sir, are you familiar with Jupiter?” Dave drops his voice down low. “You mean like the planet?” He screeches in a high pitched nasal voice. “Yeah. Well it’s that big sir. Hmm. That sounds pretty big.” He pauses. Oh god here it comes. “I have a question. Is it Jupiter? Yes.” Aaaand punchline. “Earth is literally under seige by planet fucking Jupiter. OH SHIT. Anyway later.” 

He finally logs off and you’re able to reconnect with Rose. While Dave was rambling you were able to get the totem carved. You unmute yourself and say, “Alright, I used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. Now I guess I take it back to the alchemixer again?” No response from Rose. That’s fucking weird. An automated message instead blasts into your ears:

**\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! --**

“Uh.” You're fucked. Royally fucking fucked.

IN THIS BRIEF PERIOD, THE ‘FLIGHTY BROAD’ WAS ABLE TO EVADE HER MOTHER ON THE WAY TO THE OBSERVATORY. SHE IS NOW CONNECTED TO THE ‘LABORATORY’’S WIFI AND HAS RECONNECTED WITH YOU. 

You run around, trying to get the door open with anything-anything in your room that is. Your shoulder is sore from trying to hit it down. Smart. Rose’s voice finally reappears, albeit with a fuck ton of static. “Alright, I’m back.”

“Hurry up and open my door! Not that it even matters, I think i'm probably dead no matter what!” Agitation is not the right word for what you’re feeling. You think you prefer ‘abject terror’.

“Patience. You still haven't used the new totem.” THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT? “I believe it will create the item on the punch card.

You think back to what was on it. “So what is it, like an apple or something? What good will that even do?”

“We’ll see.” Frustratingly vague. I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item. And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session. In one instance it was described as an ‘eggy loking thing’.”

“Do we have enough of the building jewels to make it?”

“According to the Atheneum, it is a free item.  This speaks to its importance, in my view.” Well that’s one piece of good luck on this shitty ass day. “Now off you go.”

You run to your door, jumping through just as Rose deletes it. She lets you know that’s the last of it, as you continue scurrying. Out to the alchemiter. You plop the totem onto the weird symbol thing and try to activate the process. Nope. Eyeing the green blocks in your way you start to move to tackle them. Before you can, they disappear. Rose. You roll your eyes and activate the alchemizing process. That’s. A tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, that's that for Act One! I'm debating whether or not I want to continue this series. First of all,sorry this chapter took so long to come out, I'm terribly good at distracting myself. Secondly, I would like to know if A) You guys would want to see more of this, B) whether I should do a short intermission with Rose's first chapter of her 'walkthrough' or C) what other things you might want to see.  
> All in all, thank you for reading and I look forward to (maybe) more ahead.


End file.
